Crunch, Clank, Cough, etc

Both Fuzzy and I have been ill of late.  I've had the same cold (I think) three times now and still feel like I'm fighting it off.  There seems to be a lot of nasty bugs around this winter.

And Fuzzy - the poor bike - started, well, it started with the odd clank and crunch that I thought was coming from the bottom bracket (where the axle of the pedals go through the frame), but as time went on:

1. it seemed to get worse; and 
   
2. I worked out it was coming from the rear axle.

Bizarrely, it was worse when I applied the brakes and even made the noise when I was freewheeling (that's how I worked out it wasn't the bottom bracket).

Anyway, he's been to the shop now and they're replaced a cone and the bearings in the rear axle.  I've yet to take him out 'cos I've been driving, because I've wanted to rest and fight my bugs off.  But in the next few days I should get a ride and start building up the fitness again after three weeks off.

Persistent Prayers Paying Off

This is a follow up to the post about praying for good health.

Last Sunday our church had a "Healing and Wholeness" service. They do this a couple of times a year and the idea is that we believe God wishes, in some cases, to heal us, and, in all cases, to bring us wholeness.

And so I had Sally and one of the Elders pray for me in person.

Talking about being prayed for is weird, mostly because spiritual things aren't easy to describe in words. In some cases you don't feel anything when you're being prayed for. In other cases you will get a sense of peace, or happiness. Sometimes there is a physical sensation of some sort. And at other times more unusual things happen - for example, I've seen people fall over, semi-conscious, kinda like shutting down physically so that God can work on the spiritual stuff - forced meditation I guess!

Anyway, in this case not much seemed to happen. Does that mean that nothing has actually happened? No! Not really. I believe that whenever we speak to God something happens - he hears us, understands us, and though we may not see, hear, or feel the effects, we have made a request and had it heard. A bit like sending a letter to Santa - nothing happens when you send the letter, but you will (eventually, if you're a good boy/girl) get some kind of response!

And on that Sunday certain things started moving. Later, at home, I prayed and had my own little conversation with God. Again, it's hard to explain how but I felt that God "spoke" to me - not in words as such, but a message arrived in my mind or my spirit or something - and he said that I could "start thinking again". Certain things, in my head, have kinda been on hold while all this illness and injury has been ongoing. God was telling me that I could take those things off hold.

That was a bit odd as I didn't feel any dramatic improvement at that point.

However - in the morning, on Monday, I felt like a different person! Really, overnight the pain had gone from being a painful, broken, sort of pain, to being a tired, weary, will-be-better-soon sort of pain. Psychologically I felt MUCH stronger too. It really was a remarkable change - I suddenly felt like me again. Oh, and I was really hungry!! My appetite increased substantially!

Following that I've had a steady week - the pain has come and gone a bit, but it's not felt harsh and difficult, it's continued to feel like recovery rather than injury. I've been laughing, smiling, joking, and enjoying myself.

I'm not about to enter into a discourse on the nature of prayer and answers to prayer here - maybe another time - I just want to record my experience and give thanks for it. I'm happy for people to dismiss this as coincidence, or psychology, or a perfectly normal physical recovery. But I know that something slightly more than that has happened. As William Temple once said: "When I pray, coincidences happen, and when I don't, they don't."

Rats, Backs and not cycling.

It's been a bit of a hectic time of late so I have another backlog of posts to write. Watch this space for some back-dated things that I didn't have time to write about properly when they popped into my head.

Rats

So, our house now smells, quite pungently, of dead rat. At least we think it's dead rat. It stinks a bit, but we're kinda used to it now. They ate all the pest-controller's poison and he came back and re-baited the place, and they haven't eaten any more since that second visit. Which suggests that they haven't eaten anything. Which suggests that they're dead! We've not heard them for a while either so it's all looking good rat-wise.

We've also been outside and plugged up the holes where we think they were getting in. So hopefully that'll be the last vermin we have to deal with for a while.

Backs

I mentioned in passing the other week that I had a bad back again. This all started a couple of days after my post-Christmas "good ride". It started in my middle back, faded after a couple of days, and then came back with a vengeance in my lower back. Crazy country dancing at the wedding the other week didn't help of course.

I've seen the physio twice and all he seems to be able to do is move the pain around, rather than fix it. Looks like everything from my hamstrings to my hip flexors is screwed up and tight.

I've tried doing a bit of cycling with it (as you will read about elsewhere) and that, oddly, seems to help. But it's not going away and it's causing me more pain and frustration. I had a really low evening mid-week where it all got to me, but I've picked myself up again and have been feeling a bit more myself in the last couple of days.

The real improvement seems to have come by doing nothing - no stretching, no cycling, just sitting or lying still for as long as possible each day. I think all the muscles need to just relax themselves. I'm learning AGAIN not to throw myself into things too much and that sometimes I just need to stop.

Not Cycling

NOT cycling is an odd thing for me to be writing about. But I am not-cycling at the moment because of my back. Which means I'm driving to work. Which is, itself, depressing and frustrating.

Most people in Swindon can't live more than a few miles from where they work, yet they insist on sitting in queues of traffic for hours on end looking miserable and angry. It really bothers me. Perhaps they've never considered that cycling or walking is an option? I'd much rather be moving on two wheels than sat doing nothing in a big box on 4. Plus, the globe is warming and petrol prices are going sky-high (104.9 at Sainsbury's!). Why drive? Once I'm 100% well again I'm definitely doing as much not-driving as possible!

I wonder what we can do to get people out of there cars more. It strikes me that if we can't do it in a small town with excellent cycle routes like Swindon then where CAN we do it?

Persisting with Praying for Health

Last year was a very difficult year for me, health-wise. Read elsewhere if you don't know why.

I know that sometimes I've overreacted, I know that there are plenty of people with much worse things wrong with them. But I've had more than my fair share of annoying, niggling, painful, exhausting, frustrating things that have kept me from feeling like myself and doing the things I love doing and feel called to do.

As a Christian, one of the big things I have to deal with is the issue of suffering. If I'm doing my best to please God and follow Jesus, why do I get persistent failures of health? Why does God let this happen. Why doesn't God do something about it?

There's no simple way to explain why suffering happens. We just live in a world where things do go wrong - mostly it's our own fault! But I believe that God tries to use those difficult times and brings good out of them.

Most of what I've been through is, as someone recently stated, "just stuff". Some of it's caused by my own behaviour (e.g. bad posture, or cycling too hard and fast). Some of it is just being ill - we get bugs, we fight them off, it happens!

I've learned a lot through the last year. God really has used it for good. I've learned how I cope with illness. How I don't like to stop but I NEED to sometimes, and that's OK, people don't mind (in fact, they positively encourage it!). I've learned to recognise and deal with stress. I've learned about some physiology and a lot of psychology too! It's not been wasted suffering.

But I am very frustrated with it and so I'm taking action. I'm going to ask God if he WILL intervene and help me get better. I think I've had enough and I want to be myself again, and I'm going to get some good people around me really, persistently, praying for good health for me.

Of course, people have been praying all through the year, and I've had various "breakthroughs" as people have done so. I believe that God does sometime heal miraculously. I know that most of the time he doesn't. But I'm going to go and ask him and see what he thinks or says about it.

And I'm not going to stop when I'm better, I'm going to get these people to keep praying that I stay well once I am well.

This isn't a sermon on suffering or healing - I'm not qualified for that sort of thing. It's a statement about my beliefs and intentions.

Let's get praying properly, let's go and nag God a bit, and see what happens!

Mice? Oh rats! And a whole host of other problems.

So, we thought we had mice in our loft but, after further inspection, a little web research, and discussions with other people about the size of droppings, we've decided we have rats. Booooo!

They seem confined to the loft above our extension and the wall cavities. After calling the council and hearing that it would take up to 5 working days to get back to us, we put poisoned bait down and this didn't initially seem to help.

The man from the council came today though. He was a very helpful little Yorkshire man, who's been doing the job of pest control for about 5 years - though I sense he could actually "smell a rat" if required - probably at a hundred paces.

He identified where they are probably coming in and out (rats have to get food and water, and there ain't none of that in our loft), and put down lots...LOTS more bait. We'll have to wait and see what happens. "They're wild animals", he said, and their behaviour is not predictable.

In the meantime, they've chewed our electric cables, tripping out our electricity, and subsequently causing us to have a non-functioning boiler. No electric, ho heating.

The fuse panel has several fuses and an RCD device. The RCD was what was tripping and this takes out the whole panel. Again, after a few phone calls and chats with other people, we worked out that our fuse box is completely incorrectly labelled, ran around the house flicking fuses and switches until we knew which fuse did what, and have isloated the upstairs lighting circuit (which is why we think it's caused by the rats nibbling cables).

So, we now have rats, and no upstairs lights, but our heating and other electrics are back on.

If that wasn't enough. I've done my back in (so I'm off the bike...AGAIN!), we have a leaky connection at the end of our washing machine inlet hose, which had caused a big puddle to form in our utility room, and our oven broke just before we had 6 people coming for new year (the timer switch, which has to be on for the oven to be on, had burnt out its contacts).

The joys of owning a house!!! Can 2008 have had a worse start?? (Well, yes, we could be in Kenya, which is in a right state at the moment - our problems are kinda put into perspective when you watch the news at the moment).

Finding purpose

So, it's been a long year. It's been a hard year. I've been ill a lot. I've not achieved very much of what I thought I would. I enjoy physical activity and I've not managed to do much.

On the up side we have bought a house and very much settled in Swindon, into our jobs, and into our church.

I've now had a period of feeling well for a while. Things finally seem to be fixed. So I'm taking stock, looking around and thinking "Phew, OK, so that's over...what now?"

To help with that process I'm re-reading a book that's quite well known in Christian circles called "The Purpose Driven Life". It's written by famous American church leader who does lots of "purpose driven" stuff. It's a very American book - though I can't really explain why. But if you can see through the American Evangelical-isms it's a good book.

It's just what I need right now. It's taking a very beaten and battered soul inside of me, and taking it back to the basics of my faith. Why am I here? What on Earth am I doing? How do I find God in all of this? And what does he want me to be doing with my life.

Hopefully I'll be reporting back sometime...watch this space.

Back in the saddle!

After the successes of mountain climbing at the weekend I'm back into cycling to work. And it feels great. Going slowly and steadily at the moment but hopefully we'll be out on training runs again soon.

Funny how this has become so important to me. I feel I have some of my identity back now I can cycle again. And with the new school term starting driving has been a nightmare - I'd much rather be speeding along on my bike than sat in traffic!

I have a new day-glo waterproof jacket too. This is great for visibility and is, in my opinion, a fairly sporty-looking thing (rather than the nerdy day-glo work jackets you can get). I found a down side today though when I went to put the recycling out before heading off to work. The next door neighbour thought I was the bin man!!! Still - gave Sally a laugh.

Conquering the Glyders

I have now climbed three mountains!

What a weekend. We've had this trip to Snowdonia planned for ages. My sister and her boyfriend invited us to climb Snowdon the hard way (via Crib Goch) months ago and this weekend, it finally came about.

Despite the forward planning, for Sally and I it was all a bit last minute. My "post-viral fatigue" had raised questions about whether or not we would go away, let alone climb a mountain, but we decided that we would at least get out of town and spend a few nights in the company of good friends in a beautiful place.

In the event, we DID attempt to climb Snowdon. We set out on Friday morning with the aim of following the Crib-Goch-scrambling party to the start of the difficult bit, and then following an easier track (the Pyg Track) from there on our own steam.

I quite quickly gave up and didn't make it far past the point at which we split up. My legs got really tired and I just didn't feel like I'd make it very far.



However, on Saturday I tried again - the party headed out to climb Glyder Fach and Glyder Fawr - the other side of the valley from Snowdon, and I went with them with the intention of going as far as I felt comfortable. With a bit of encouragement from the others I kept on going and did a whole 7 hours walk, climbing a total of 800m over a distance of about 10km. Not bad for an invalid - climbing something higher than Scafell.



It was a good scramble. We headed up into mist at first and the unclear footpath we were trying to follow lead to some difficult, if unexposed, scrambling. However, the mist cleared once we got to the second peak and we were rewarded with some awesome views of Snowdon and

I WAS shattered today though and the drive back was very hard work.

My health is an odd thing. It feels like Friday's aborted attempt at Snowdon kickstarted my body a bit - made it realise that, at some point, it would have to stop moping around and get on and do some physical work. I'm also not sure how much of what I'm going through is psychological and how much is really physical.

Anyway, health issues aside, I've had a cracking weekend. Snowdonia is beautiful, the hostel was comfortable and the food good, we had lots of fun, and there was a bit of me that looked up at Crib Goch and REALLY wanted to climb it.

There's something in us that wants to explore, to experience danger, to go to the difficult place. We'll definitely be back at some point!

Still not right!!!

It's been nearly a month now since I was up all night being sick...the "flu-like virus" has mostly gone away but, as anyone who's been watching my Facebook status will tell you, I still have the odd bad day. Tonight has been a particularly bad evening with me collapsing in bed and feeling like I'm right back at square one.

The doctor doesn't seem surprised and a little bit of web research (dangerous as you could probably self-diagnose pretty much anything) shows that "post viral fatigue" is not uncommon and can last a long time.

But it's very frustrating. I've been surprised at how much my life is defined by physical activity. I miss my cycling and I'm unable to do much that's strenuous at all. I tried cycling yesterday, about 4 miles worth at a very slow pace. Perhaps that what's killed me off this evening?

It's stressing me out a bit as we're buying the house...probably real soon now...and I won't be up to much packing and cleaning and shifting big boxes around. Plus, I don't know what the future holds - I guess I'll slowly recover but if there is something more long-term wrong with me, is taking on a mortgage such a good thing?

Only time will tell I guess. In the meantime we press on with our plans in faith that God will stop us if we're doing the wrong thing.

Getting used to being ill

I don't remember being ill much as a kid, teenager, or even in my early working years. But that all seems to have changed lately.

The last two weeks, since getting back from Greenbelt, have been one physical problem after another. Starting with what appeared to be food poisoning or a stomach bug of some sort, morphing into a "flu-like virus" which has kept me in bed for most of this week, and then, having finally recovered from that, I did my back in, to the extent that I could hardly move last night (and I almost certainly shouldn't be using a computer right now).

I've been sick, aching, tired, emotionally drained and now in a huge amount of pain, for nearly two weeks. Add this to the couple of weeks I had off earlier in the year for my stress/depression (I'll write a "whatever happened to post at some point"), and it's been a pretty bad year for me health-wise.

Yet, there are positives to take from all of this. When I first started having my flu-like symptoms I said to Sally "I'm not very good at being ill". By which I meant that, my response to being unwell isn't always very good. I feel like I give up quite easily, but in reality I think I push myself too hard when I'm ill. I'm NOT good at stopping and resting and doing nothing. I feel guilty about not being at work and so I throw myself back into it too quickly.

But I've been learning about these things. I started to recover last weekend and took up too much too quickly and the bug came back to get me as a result. So I had a whole week off, and even when I started to feel myself again I made use of the doctor's sick note and rested.

I've learned to leave alone things that need doing around the house (it's a bit of a tip at the moment but I don't care!!!). I've learned the pleasure of sitting still and reading a book. I've learned not to feel guilty about not being at work - the world continues to turn even when I'm sat in bed doing nothing.


I've prayed a lot, I've chilled out a lot. Sally's been fantastic, as have others who have rallied round to help me out. It's taken a long time but I do think it's nearly over and I'm looking forward to carrying on normally, but with a few lessons learned.

Psychology

Bother my brain...

After several very good days of feeling pretty normal I had a very frustrating day on Monday (it involved 2 printers, one powerpoint document, and lots of paper and ink).

I suspect that this was just a normal frustrating day but I started to get all knotted up inside again and lost my appetite. Was this another attack of the nasty blues? Or was it just a bad day that my brain blew out of all proportion?

I find that psychology is now kicking in. I'm now especially sensitive to how and feel. When I get low I start to analyse why that is, and I probably start to worry too - which, of course, only makes things worse.

Only time will tell. In the meantime I've been to the doctor who will take a blood test but otherwise thinks I'm probably OK, and should be returning to work tomorrow! Well, if the boss will let me.

A good 20 miles - and some amateur physiology

Went out for a ride by myself this afternoon. Managed 21.24 miles in 1:24:31, averaging 15.0 mph overall. A good ride but my knees hurt a bit - probably beacause I've not been doing my stretches while I've not been cycling to work - must keep that up even when I'm not doing a daily ride.

The stretches are mostly for my "Glutes" (mostly my gluteus medius) but also for a thing called the IT band (nothing to do with computers) that runs from the bum down the side of the leg. Forgive my amateur physiology. The glutes pull the band to stop your legs collapsing underneath you. If the glutes or the band are tight it seems to rub against the knee causing a dull pain.

It also makes me flat footed (called over-pronation). Just another of my ongoing health things that I keep at bay by doing certain things.

I believe that there are all sorts of other mechanics going on, such as:

• Is the saddle high enough = are my legs bending too much?
• Have I got the right balance of cadence (rate of pedalling) and pressure?
• Are my feet in the right place on the pedals? If the feet are twisted that can put additional strain on the knees.
• Am I pushing with the right part of the foot? I think you need to try to spread load across the foot. As I'm flat footed I tend to push with the ball of my foot so I need to make a conscious effort to put some pressure on the outside of my foot. This also balances the quadriceps in the legs - you use the inner quads to push with the ball of your foot and the outer quads to push with the outside.
• Am I pushing with both legs? The pain is usually in my right leg. Of course, I'm right footed so I lead and do more pedalling with my right leg. I need to balance that too.
• Are my knees in the right place? I've read that, ideally, the knee should sit directly above the foot and press straight downwards, rather than having your knees sticking out or squeezing in towards the bike.

As I say, all stuff I've read but it all makes sense and seems to work - if I do the stretches and try to balance everything and pedal right I can ride strong for ages.

And you thought cycling was simple!?

To stress or not to stress...

So, I got signed off of work on Tuesday and have had a few days forgetting about everything at home. It's now Friday and last weekend seems a long time ago.

The doctors can't get me an apppointment until the 14th (it was about 2 weeks away when I booked it), so I popped into the NHS drop-in clinic today and the nurse there didn't have much to say.

So it's very much wait and see at the moment. I'm VERY grateful to my boss for the time off and the rest. But I feel like a bit of a fraud now. It was all very real on Saturday but now I wonder if there was some overreaction. Certainly at the time it was very scary being so out of control of my emotions, and I was just physically and mentally and emotionally exhausted in a way I've not been before. I guess we can only wait and see.

I've learned some things in the meantime, which I'll try to write up at some point but for now, I'm doing OK.

Stressed: The story so far

Firstly, for my own benefit, a record of what happened and when - 'cos I'm rapidly forgetting.

Wednesday 25th April - slept badly, cycled to work and back, felt fine, gave blood, felt a bit light-headed afterwards and found eating difficult but recovered
Thursday 26th April - slept badly, cycled to work and back, VERY tired when I got home and started feeling knotted up inside, like I might need to cry, packed for my weekend away.
Friday 27th April - slept badly, supposed to be heading to stag weekend after work so did NOT cycle, felt very tired in morning and struggled to eat breakfast, felt nauseous afterwards. Decided not to go to stag weekend until tomorrow.
Saturday 28th April - slept well and woke feeling fine and popped to town to get stuff to take to stag weekend, got home, felt VERY weak, collapsed in tears and cried on-and-off, controllably, for around two hours. Decided not to go to stag day but then stressed a lot about whether Sally should go. Eventually she decided she wouldn't. Went to BBQ in evening. Very low all day, very tired, dazed and confused but no more crying.
Sunday 29th April - slept well, fine again for most of the day, went for long bike ride and to church, ended the day feeling low and like crying again but didn't.
Monday 30th April - slept OK, felt VERY tired and pushed through it, started feeling better about 4pm and had a good, if tired, evening. Emailed my boss but he was off work.
Tuesday 1st May - Slept OK but woke early. Felt good most of the day but boss replied and implored me to take time off. Thinking about that, the consequences of it, how I felt about it, made me well up a bit and I cried when I got home.

A new subject

It seems that there is a new topic that I'll be discussing here. Not among the original list of subjects that I posted a few days back...depression and stress.

As I've broached the subject with more people, including my boss, I'm being told LOTS to STOP WORK and GO SEE A DOCTOR. So, today, my boss pretty much told me to go home and not come back until I know what's causing it.

So, it looks like this will be top of my subject list for a while now. It's certainly on my mind a lot.

A funny day

It's been a funny day. I woke up feeling great - much more myself - very much an answer to prayer. However, I was just about to leave for the stag day I'm supposed to be at, when I collapsed in a heap and cried. I was wept, on-and-off, and uncontrollably, for about 2 hours. There was no reason for it. I can only put it in the category of "depression".

Theories:
1) a combination of tiredness, stress, fighting off a bug, giving blood on Wednesday night, and hundred other things...I've not slept well for about 3 nights now.
2) my hay fever tablets. I take loratadine, and have been on them on-and-off for a week or two. After Googling them Sally found that they can cause depression. Perhaps taking them after giving blood (and thus having a higher concentration of the stuff in my blood) made me really low.

Anyway. We eventually decided to both stay at home (which I feel very bad about). We've sat around in the garden, read the paper, enjoyed the nesting birds (more later), and written a few letters.

I can now empathise with people who've had depression. It was scary feeling out of control of my emotions. Just crying for no reason at all!

I can only hope that it doesn't come back.